Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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