matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
