this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
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I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
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Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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