please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
