so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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