I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
i think im in europe. pls send help
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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