im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
