My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Randomize
