She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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