Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
