Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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