two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
