so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He passed out mid-signature
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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