I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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