Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Terrible idea I love it
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
