The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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