I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
