The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
