yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
