apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
