last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
