Soap is not a condiment
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
