The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
