My Higher Power is John Stamos
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
