how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
