I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
