my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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