On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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