it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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