I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
