Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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