I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
