i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's shark week go big or go home
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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