rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
