I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
