Will you blow on my dice?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
