Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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