I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
