Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
