maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
