We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
