Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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