shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She bit a glass in half.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
