Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
