so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
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She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
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Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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