If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
