2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Congratulations! We have a period
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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