I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
