Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
