how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
