i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
