the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
