Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
