I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
